When reality smacks you up side the head
Will I ever be 'normal'?
Project self esteem boosting has hit an iceberg and sinking fast. My resolve is flagging and I'm slipping back into the self loathing role. I'm having trouble accepting complements and feel people are just saying positive things to pad my feelings.
I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I recognize this pattern. I usually start to feel bad about myself right before my appt with my psych doc. It's a little early this time. Usually it only hits a day or two before my appt. this time it's nearly a full week prior.
Why does my resolve behave this way? Why do I fall back into that old pattern? I just can't like myself, I can't accept that people actually like me. How can anyone else love me when I hate myself so so very much. I just feel that there's no real reason for me to exist.
I have my son. That's it. I know that's more than some people have, and I know he loves me as I do him. But I hate me. I hate me so very much.
I'm worthless.
I'm useless.
My life has been pointless. Why did I have such a life?
Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I'm in too much pain. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe I'm being a martyr.
Maybe I simply hate me and I can't get beyond that.
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