All's been fairly quiet

Other than medical tests

and such

Well things have been fairly calm. Until you count last week when I had to prep and have a colonoscopy. The prep is brutal. I had to drink 4 full ltrs of the cleaning out fluid. (read liquid draino for the body) There was nothing at all left in my body. 

Good point I lost about 4 lbs of waste and water..... So *thumbs up*

The procedure it's self is done under anesthetic, so you hardly know what's going on. They did remove one polyp which turned out to be pre-cancerous. Doctor said he got it all and I don't have to go through the whole process for another 5 years.    I slept a lot for the next couple of days. 

But I'm not sure if it was from the prep solution or the anesthetic (doc says no to the anesthetic) but my spinal surgery sites have been numb-ish in feeling. Also my lips and tip of my tongue have been numb-ish feeling too. I have to bring this up with my doc when I see him next week.   

Also my back is hurting so bad. I nearly passed out from from the pain of standing. It's getting to the point where more than 5 minutes on my feet and I'm hanging on to things to keep standing.

Found out some things I can no longer eat because of my CKD and I was in tears. Some of my most favorite fruit and veggies is on the list of things I'm not allowed. 

I already can't have my beloved grapefruit because of some of the medications that I'm on *cries*  But now I can't have starfruit, pomegranate, broccoli, and a bunch of other thing. I was literally in tears and having a panic attack while reading the stuff I have to not eat or only have a minimum amount of.

Nothing really extraordinary on the SPD front lately.  Neighbor has a friend who rolls into his drive way, radio blaring, then honks the horn.  X^X  Not fun.  

Oh and we've been officially adopted by one of the neighborhood cats.

We'll be getting our promised kitten sometime next week. My friend from PA is driving the kitty here. We've named him Smudge. And he's a cutie

I really hope the adopter cat gets along with the kitten. 

But I can tell you that kitty therapy is and has been good for me. I need the tactical feel of petting something soft to help calm me down.

Thought it was one way but it's another

The diagnosis trip

changing my life

Had my monthly psych visit. Things went well. 

We went over that instead of being ADHD I might actually have aspergers and SPD. She agree and has changed my chart. I have an official diagnose. But because of adverse reactions to the usual meds that they give aspergers patients I can't take anything. So I'm just the way I am. But so much has been explained.

Both of these fit me to a tee. I could but a check mark on everything. This is me. All me.  

Also with the SPD. I have to find some calming tools aside from deep breathing which has worked in the past but seems to be lacking something now. I need new coping mechanisms.  I don't want to have meltdowns in the store where I just want to scream and cry, I start to shake and have to find a quiet place so I can calm down. I hate going out in public. I just get so wound out. 

Working on self-esteem

Trying to find the positive

With all the negative

1. I like my hair. Even though it's a royal pain in the ass to brush sometimes.
2. I like my height. I'm short I can go places that tall people can't.
3. Despite my weight I don't have a huge shelf-ass. It's just kind of a bump-rump.
4. I can be creative even though I think my work sucks. It makes me feel good when people say they like me. (i'm an attention sponge, i crave it)
5. I like my sense of humor. It's kept me from going more insane.
6. I have great self control most times. Other wise I'd be a pile of self harm or have put a bullet in my head. Or even given into drugs or booze. I could have easily done that.
7. I think I have kind of unique color eyes. They even change color depending on mood or illness.
8. I've cut out all the negative people in my life.
9. I'm amazed that I've gotten as far as I have with all the shit I've been through.
10. I'm proud of my eccentricities. I'm not like anyone else.

In which I've turned into an emo teenage blogger

UGH! That last post was just so..... depressing.
Yeah I have huge emotional turmoil and a gaping chasm for self esteem but I think I might have drifted over into nihilism just a bit too much.
I truly do play the martyr so well, it comes naturally to me any more.
My issues do seem to pop up on a regular basis right before my appts. That seems to be showing me how much I need those sessions.
I'm amazed at myself. I haven't turned into a blubbering mess in one of my sessions yet.  Yet hearing fireworks and loud noises cause me to want to hide in the deepest part of my basement. Any other therapy I'm be bawling my eyes out by now.

I just feel kinda stuck in neutral. I don't or can't cry. Except for traumatic things, or puppies and kitties on tv. Head sessions..... MEH!

Two steps forward, twelve steps back

When reality smacks you up side the head

Will I ever be 'normal'?

Project self esteem boosting has hit an iceberg and sinking fast. My resolve is flagging and I'm slipping back into the self loathing role. I'm having trouble accepting complements and feel people are just saying positive things to pad my feelings. 

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I recognize this pattern. I usually start to feel bad about myself right before my appt with my psych doc. It's a little early this time. Usually it only hits a day or two before my appt. this time it's nearly a full week prior.

Why does my resolve behave this way? Why do I fall back into that old pattern? I just can't like myself, I can't accept that people actually like me. How can anyone else love me when I hate myself so so very much. I just feel that there's no real reason for me to exist. 

I have my son. That's it. I know that's more than some people have, and I know he loves me as I do him. But I hate me. I hate me so very much.

I'm worthless.

I'm useless.

My life has been pointless. Why did I have such a life? 

Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I'm in too much pain. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe I'm being a martyr. 

Maybe I simply hate  me and I can't get beyond that.

And now for something completely different

Whining with a side of panic

Why me?

As if the massive panic attacks from the fireworks  overload weren't bad enough, now my home, my sanctuary is going to be invaded. 

The apt/house we rent is up for sale again. This happened last year and there were no takers. But my god the stress of having strange people in and out of my home ...... Just ewwwww. NO.

This is my home, my safe place. The place I hide when the world is bad. Now I have to have these people in my house...

NO THANK YOU, VERY MUCH.

Chinese Animated Feature Trailer 我的师父姜子牙 Master Jiang and the Six Kingdoms

OFF TOPIC FROM MY USUAL BLOGGING, BUT THIS IS AMAZING.

Never on the bright side of life.

Hobbit Flakes

Dealing with the dark side.

I haven't written to much the past few days because I've been a cowering wreck.

I have some rather inconsiderate neighbors. They were shooting off fireworks for days before the actual holiday. Then came the 4th and it may as well have been the gates of hell opening up. From 7pm until 12:20am they were just covering the area with the loud booms and flashes. I was cowering in my recliner as tight as I could pull my fat little body into a ball, trying to keep my skin on my body; fear making me want to jump right out of said skin. 

Cue meltdown. I wanted to scream, I wanted to bash my head through the wall, I clawed at my chest in frustration. I was wearing in-the-ear earbuds covered with over the ear headphones. My media player cranked as loud as it would go. I could still hear them. They were right outside my window, down the street, across the street, on the corner.... I was surrounded by these weapons of assault on my senses. I have PTSD as I said before but not from any military trauma, but from childhood abuse and traumatic events in my life. I have the same reaction if my phone rings. I jump and clench my chest in fear. 

These past few nights have been hell. It was all I could do to keep from screaming and hiding under a table or in the basement. but there was no escape from the sound. The neighbors have been relentless in their celebrating. Every single night, including last night. (Saturday)

Which brings me to a weird incident that happened this afternoon. I glanced at the clock and noted the time, turned to my son and said "Gee the mail sure is running late today." He replied "It's Sunday, there is no mail." I stared at him completely aghast. I was absolutely positive that today was Monday and that I had my doctor appt tomorrow (Tues). Some where in all that stress induced trauma I lost a day. But not really, I remember watching out usual Saturday night line up on cartoonnetwork. But today had to be Monday, it just had to be.

I'm just hoping that the fireworks nonsense is over with and I can get back on track. But I'm really going to discuss all this with my psych doc when I see her this month. This is not meaningful life. Jumping at every little bitty noise just doesn't seem like a way to live a life.

Oh one more thing. The next door neighbor is a bad neighbor in all senses of the word. When they or their friends pull in their drive way (my living room windows are right there.) They always have the car radio blasting. A few times at 3-5 in the morning they get into huge fights and she'll take off in the car leaving him screaming down the street after her. And this morning the distinct and headache inducing smell of pot wafted through the window.  (nice just what I needed)  These are not the same people where were here when we first moved in. These people are newish (end of last year I think)

I guess that's all the complaining for now.

Just another day.....

There is no different channel

There is no end

Had another bloody sensory overload day.

Our Social Security checks came in so we had to go to Wal-mart to cash them and do some shopping. I've learned enough by now to know when I go out anywhere I must take my MP3 player along with me as it blocks out the other sounds and I'm half way able to deal with being out of the house at all.  

Cue screaming children, loud pallets being moved around, people talking loudly, being in the way so I couldn't get through with the free rental motor-cart. The only way I can shop because of my crumbling spine.  We spent too much but are still alright financially for the remainder of the month.

We were able to all this done earlier than normal, which was nice. We got home at an earlier time and I was able to get all the major monthly payments out of the way. (YAY me)

Then comes evening.  Starting at about 8pm it started to happen. Fireworks. First one neighbor, then another....then another  and another..... and more.     HELLO SENSORY OVERLOAD. Extra Xanax time.

I was two headsets in on my player. (regular ear buds and a none connected pair that go over the ear. Double sound proofing.. 

Still heard them because one of the neighbors is right next door. Our windows in the living room and my bedroom face the side and backyard of their house. Everything was literally right outside our window.

And I'll probably have to deal with this again tomorrow.   

This is kind of how my brain feels (like it looks) Sights (sudden bright flashing lights) Sounds (loud explosions) smells (gun powder) feelings ( reverberations from the explosions, and the shaking physically from being scared witless.) and it's all mixed up and fuzzy in my brain (small pinkish circle in the middle of all that)  *I wish I could have drawn it better this doesn't do the feelings justice to how I feel.*

But I did work on my self esteem at some time during my day. While shopping I bought my first tube of mascara and eyeliner that I've bought in over 10 years. *big sigh*  And my son is a major MLP:FiM fandom, and he got a couple of items today including some little color hair clips. I claimed the blue one for me.  

(note I seem to have a theme.... blue earbuds and cords, blue rimmed glasses and blue play hair strip) 

Now I'm gonna try to sleep, but I doubt that'll happen. Usually when I've a over stressed day I stay wide awake until I literally  drop over from exhaustion in the wee hours of the morning. Thankfully I can use that time as a creative outlet for my writing. I'm working on my own novel instead of just writing fanfictions..

Just glad the day is over.

words of wisdom

What not to say to someone who's had or having a meltdown.

Don't be a dick to folks who are sick

No dogma needed.

Please for the love of all that's holy, do not throw your religious beliefs at someone who's having mental issues.  Especially if they're having a panic attack or SPD meltdown. 

Just don't.

Not everyone believes like you do and for someone already in crisis mode they do not need to have your political belief system thrown at them 

Sort of like this  

If you can't understand anything outside your religious bubble don't speak. You know nothing of what that person is going through. If you don't know what that person is going through do NOT tell them to do something that you believe. They may not and it will make them feel worse.  

This is much like my religious aunt, upon hearing my professionally diagnosed major depression disorder told me to just read my bible, all would be solved than.

Do you not know the brain has chemicals that can become imbalanced. Praying or reading a book is not going to put those chemicals back into balance. Medication is needed, not religious platitudes. 

KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.

Overloaded.

The not very good day in the end.

Sensory overload.

Today I had to deal with several of my main avoidance issues. 

First and foremost being telephones.  I loathe them with a hateful passion that encompasses the universe. First call was to Red Cross Transportation to go to my doctor appt next week. So I had to be up before 8:30am. And was stuck on hold for awhile there. (i'm not very patient sometimes), Got my ride scheduled and all good so far, then...... My son traded up to a newer, better model on his cell phone, we didn't have to pay anything since he had a substantial account balance. It worked out well. 

The phone came by Fed-ex today (only sent the order in on sunday evening) So super quick service. Following the directions exactly and after 10 tries of doing the exact same thing I finally got it active.. Now all that's left is the programming. ARGGGGGGH.

I love techie things. They usually make me happy. This time all I got was more frustration. Finally I got the basic info set up and phone works. He's happy camper. That crisis solved.

Then it was time for my phone..... I have one of the free govt phones.  First thing first. They are not the latest iphone or smart phone. If you actually think the govt is going to hand out for free, high tech stuff to poor people you have no clue how the govt works.

You get a $10 trac-phone. No camera, no net, no apps, no touch screen, nothing but text and talk.  When I first got mine I noticed a little glitch but didn't say anything because I was just grateful for the damn thing. (son pays for his own out of his money, but I can't afford a cell myself) Well after almost 5 years the glitches have gotten worse. The screen will freeze at random times. Even when unplugging it from the charger it'd freeze, middle of a phone call.... freeze. Playing crappy game....freeze. Oh and it totally would drop calls, and the battery would sometimes hold a charge and sometimes it wouldn't. I could have it charging for 2 whole days. Take it with me to go shopping and before I'd need to make a call to get our ride home the thing would be drained. So yeah glitchy phone all around.

I'm on the phone again... (oh god i hate that thing) and I got a tech support of the kind I really hoped to avoid.( the rapid speaking non-native english speaker) I swear to god I'm not prejudice at all, I just have trouble with hearing and understanding heavy accents. I think it goes along with my SPD. Plus they really do talk too fast. I was apologizing all over the place for not understanding him. He was really trying. I think we got it all straightened out and I'm getting a new phone since this one is not only glitchy it's out of date, they don't even make this particular model any more. So yay new phone. 

But I was burnt out and exhausted just trying to deal with all this. So I just sat back and chilled for a bit. I decided to do more research on SPD and aspergers, including taking several online tests.  All so I do indeed have some level of aspie aspects. 

Well then..  Something I need to talk about with my psych when I see her next month.   

I can see all the signs now, looking back on my life. I can see all the key points. Everything was pointing at it all those years ago, but that was a time when psych and nonscientific things weren't really investigated. It was better to just think of the kid as odd or a weirdo. Unless it was a more visible psychological condition.

Okay test are just a jumping point, I know they're not conclusive diagnosis just a guideline. I'm kinda glad to know this might be part of my problem.

Things went smoothly for the most part, had one of my tumblr and dA followers tell me I was posting too much of the same drama over and over.  Oh well.... It's my blog, I'll blog what the hell I want to. Just a mild irritation again.

Then the sky erupted. One of the neighbors decided to shoot off fireworks. Big, prolonged, loud fireworks for over 20 minutes. I jammed my ear buds into my ears and cranked my media player up to max and slammed the side of my fist against the wall. I could still hear them  I was soon a sobbing shaking mess. My son handed me a bunch of tissues and asked if he should leave the room for awhile. I shook my head no. I think him leaving would have made it worse. When I'm having a melt down, do not touch, do not talk to me, don't try to make me laugh. I absolutely can not process any more sensations.  I had already taken a xanax so couldn't take another. 

Now it's about 2 hours later and I'm finally calming down. I can feel my muscles still fairly rigid, I've got a blistering headache and an occasional tear will slip down my face. But I'm no longer hysterical. Just exhausted and shaky. 

I think I need t get noise cancelling headphones instead of just the plain earbuds. Here's to hoping that tomorrows a better day.

Not that anyone will notice.....

I'm gonna go back through my prior posts and add some pictures to them.   I do enjoy throwing pics in to accentuate a post.