Today was not the day

I just...... ugh .....today.

I'm finding right now I need to stay away from certain sites today. My triggers are tripping all over, yet at the moment I'm calm enough, other than the shaking.
I've been having some major depressive thoughts again, and even worse... found out that sometimes my son thinks about suicide. Not that he'd actually do it but that it's entered his mind. That's distressing.

I've thought about it often enough. I've been in denial for so long, but looking back I'd have to say the thought of death was pretty much always there. Even as far back as age six I realized that I wanted to die. It's funny I always told all my doctors that the thought of suicide had never entered my mind, and that's mostly true. But the idea of just dying or not being has always been there. If I couldn't have a better life than the one I had, I'd rather just die. No one wanted me, no one needed me, Even my parents just up and abandoned me. My grandparents raised me but I never felt like I was wanted there.

But not today.

Maybe it's just the melancholia of the upcoming holiday's. I don't celebrate. Any of them. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. Yet I can't help but feel a bit of nostalgia for the old days. Yeah they never really wanted me there, but I was. I had some good food, occasionally got let into conversations, or I'd just catch a hint at one and chuckle quietly only to be glared at for daring to listen to them.  I wasn't invited to play the games, and hated watching the sports. I'd sit somewhere quiet and read to myself. No one bothered me, no one asked what I was reading, they didn't care because it wasn't bible centered. I wanted more out of reading.

Yet it's still there. I want to die.

I'm alone. But I have a son and a kitten. It still feels alone, unwanted, unwelcome.  I'm tired. I don't wish to exist. I have to go on though.

Growing up feeling so unloved and unwanted was hard, but I'm still here. Even if sometimes I don't want to be.

Today I'm full of confusion. I kinda miss those family get togethers not for the way that I was treated, but just to share with other people. The comradery, the sharing. The tables laden with food. I've cut that part out of my life.

People fill me with fear, they're judgmental, they're liars, they try to shove their beliefs onto you. I don't want to live that life. I don't want to live any sort of fake life.

Maybe someday, but this is not the day.

Views from a Doctors office.

I casually strolled into my doctor's office the other day. High on the joy of being able to wear heels again after an astonishingly long 10 year span.

They're dated because I haven't worn anything but flats for such a long time, because I have a crumbling spine. DDD, osteo-arthritis, spinal stenosis, collapsing discs between the vertebra, with bone on bone pain.

But I thought "WHAT THE HELL?" It's just to my doctor's office, only a little walking needed. I won't be in the heels more than 2 hours.

It was amazing. I felt more confident and taller. So much taller. I'm tiny (5'2") and round (but I'm losing some of that)

So as I'm waiting I notice my usual SPD, Misophonia and shades of Irlen syndrome ticks kicking in. Out of the corner of my eye I see her: the hair twirler, chatting away on her smart phone in between chomps of gum. 

Then I notice the snifflers starting, a few coughs, throat clearing, nose blowing noises. The lights are dim but numerous which counters the effect of the dimness. I can't read magazines under these circumstances.  And then the worse.... it starts gently, quietly...... the cacophony of noise as a mass group of people begin to chat. They're discussing religion and choirs and such. Not an unusual topic really for a Cancer center. What ever gives you peace of mind, right?  

Well not me. I hate this type of conversation passionately. As I've said numerous times before I was raised in that type of environment and glad to have gotten out alive as one would say. I find these topics distressing as I've run away from organized religion as fast as I was able to go.  Others may find peace, but I just see the meaningless of it all. It's literally running on blind faith in something created by man.

Time to plug in my MP3 player to drown out the noise behind me. But then I can't hear if they call my name. So one ear plugged up and one out, trying not to let the babble behind me work under my skin as it so often does.  

It's also now about 45 minutes past my appt time. Finally I get called back and wait in the tiny room for another  ..................um 45 minutes. 

So here it is an hour and a half past my appt time and I'm getting frustrated beyond belief. I'm not a patient patient. I hate being left to wait.

Finally released from doctor care with a 'free from cancer' clearance. Down stairs a player grand piano is tinkling away softly in the lobby.  MP3 time again.  Almost in the clear until a woman in a wheelchair starts moaning and mumbling. It grows in volume as they usually do. Soon she's nearly screaming and flopping her arms around.  Her transportation soon comes and whisks her away, but I'm left thinking. Her outbursts didn't bother me as much as most other noises. Why?   Perhaps that one little rational part of my mind that's usually overcome by sound and visual stimulation realizes that the poor woman simply can't help what she's doing. There's something faulty in her wiring and I can deal with that because I'm wired wrong myself. Who knows perhaps I'll end up being her. No one knows.Oddly enough I'm able to ignore all but her most vocal outbursts. But I don't give the same leeway to others who make noises and sights that trigger me into a meltdown. Their habits and outbursts are controllable to some extent.  A baby crying doesn't know better but the pitch and volume of their screams assault my hearing and overload my senses. The running uncontrolled child being ignored by it's tuned out parents is still a controllable situation. The hair twirler: unconsciously done gets a half pass, but the gum chomping and cell phone use that's controllable, and unnecessary. The god fanclub behind me, while annoying could have kept it down. Their enthusiasm got the best of them. Understandable to an extent, but non the less annoying. 

Doctor appt survived with a few mini meltdowns. But I guess knowing that my blood is also now cancer free is good. They're still trying to find out why I'm so anemic despite being on an iron supplement.

I really dislike going out because it's always so painful. I'm just glad that my time in public is limited to doctor appts and grocery shopping.