Today was not the day

I just...... ugh .....today.

I'm finding right now I need to stay away from certain sites today. My triggers are tripping all over, yet at the moment I'm calm enough, other than the shaking.
I've been having some major depressive thoughts again, and even worse... found out that sometimes my son thinks about suicide. Not that he'd actually do it but that it's entered his mind. That's distressing.

I've thought about it often enough. I've been in denial for so long, but looking back I'd have to say the thought of death was pretty much always there. Even as far back as age six I realized that I wanted to die. It's funny I always told all my doctors that the thought of suicide had never entered my mind, and that's mostly true. But the idea of just dying or not being has always been there. If I couldn't have a better life than the one I had, I'd rather just die. No one wanted me, no one needed me, Even my parents just up and abandoned me. My grandparents raised me but I never felt like I was wanted there.

But not today.

Maybe it's just the melancholia of the upcoming holiday's. I don't celebrate. Any of them. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. Yet I can't help but feel a bit of nostalgia for the old days. Yeah they never really wanted me there, but I was. I had some good food, occasionally got let into conversations, or I'd just catch a hint at one and chuckle quietly only to be glared at for daring to listen to them.  I wasn't invited to play the games, and hated watching the sports. I'd sit somewhere quiet and read to myself. No one bothered me, no one asked what I was reading, they didn't care because it wasn't bible centered. I wanted more out of reading.

Yet it's still there. I want to die.

I'm alone. But I have a son and a kitten. It still feels alone, unwanted, unwelcome.  I'm tired. I don't wish to exist. I have to go on though.

Growing up feeling so unloved and unwanted was hard, but I'm still here. Even if sometimes I don't want to be.

Today I'm full of confusion. I kinda miss those family get togethers not for the way that I was treated, but just to share with other people. The comradery, the sharing. The tables laden with food. I've cut that part out of my life.

People fill me with fear, they're judgmental, they're liars, they try to shove their beliefs onto you. I don't want to live that life. I don't want to live any sort of fake life.

Maybe someday, but this is not the day.