The day I nearly lost my mind.

Not that it's a difficult stretch by any means, but....
Again with the doctor's office. I dread doctors offices because there's usually a gathering of most of my triggers in one big room.

It's Cancer and Hematology office so there's all kind of noises. Wheel chairs squeaking, chart carts hustling by, the coughers and sneezers, The usual cacophony of people interacting with each other. Some talking louder so they can be heard above the din, Then there's the mobile IV drip poles.... clunk clunk clunking across the floor.  The automatic door whooshing open and closed. People heading to the cafeteria across the hall and bringing back plates of food (omg the smells)

Just the normal every day triggers that put one on edge just ready to topple over.

And then it happens....... THE PACER. The one person who has to pace back and forth for half an hour around the foyer. Back and forth back and forth back and forth....... *KILL*  And it wasn't a slow pacing step either, it was really rapid.

I tried to avoid looking at him. Not happening.
I tried thinking maybe he has some disorder that makes him restless and he can't settle down, GRRR
Back and forth back and forth back and forth.

Maybe he's just nervous. Some people pace when they're nervous. This is the Cancer center after all.
Back and forth back and forth

OMG STOP PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, STOP.

And then my name is called and all's well in my quiet little room by myself. Actual doctor visit went smoothly, I need more iron *eye roll*  I finally get my cab ride home after a little wait time; which is nice for a change. But knowing that I have to deal with another doctor visit the next day has me still on that razor's edge.

Only I don't..... I no sooner sat down and the next days doctor office calls to confirm my appt for which I'll need to be sedated. I'm nervous about that but dealing okay....sorta. They tell me I have to have someone drive me there and wait for me through the procedure.

I get rides by cab, I tell her this "Well do you have someone who'll be with you that can make any critical choices in case something happens?"

NO!    All I have is my 28 year old mentally disabled son who would never be able to make any decisions like that.

"You don't have a neighbor or friend that could do it?"

No!

"Then we might not be able to do the procedure I'll have to ask the doctor"

"Is this the same sedative that was used the last time I was there, because my son was waiting for me that time?

"Yes it's the same, but it's policy to have someone responsible on hand, would he be able to make those kind of decisions?"

No.

"Well I'll talk to the doctor, but I doubt we'll be able to do it."  Click and hang up.

WTF MAN???????????????

An hour later she calls back and says the doctor said "NO! we can reschedule for sometime when you have someone responsible."

You can reschedule all you want to it's going to be the same outcome. I HAVE NO ONE.

"I'm sorry there's nothing we can do then, maybe social services can help find someone for you." Click and hang up


DAMMIT YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE MY LIFE IN THE HANDS OF A STRANGER???? NO FUCKING WAY.

I'm not trusting my life to some random stranger. Not happening.

So I ended up with very mixed feelings. Joy that I don't have to endure that procedure, but royally pissed off about the 'restrictions'  

They've gotta take into account that there are a lot of people like me who just don't have any kind of support network backing them up and we need vital testing too.

What about us?