So it's now two years since my mother passed.
Still not one tear has been shed.
We were never close and I always held onto some resentment that she abandoned me as a toddler. I have a lot of abandonment issues thanks to that. I have no real feelings pertaining to her passing.
I truly do not miss her. She was a horrible person.
Does that make me a horrible person?
Friday, December 4, 2015
Sunday, August 16, 2015
Is the past really in the past?
How do you do it? How do you put all the crap that you were put through behind you? How do you get it out of your head? Keep it from your dreams? Every waking thought dwelling on the whys and where for's of your past.
How do you just stop?
I have no idea. I've been battling what's in my head for years now and the thoughts just won't go away. I can't live like this. I can't keep dwelling on the past, so how the hell do I get past it? How do I get it all out of my head?
Everyone says "Just get over it", "Just let go of the past"
Please tell me how.
Don't tell me to pray, I prayed it would all stop when it was happening it never did. Praying now is pointless. I don't believe in prayer. It's all just false platitudes anyway. My logical mind just can't see it. I want nothing to do with it.
I just want the intrusive, invasive thoughts to get out of my head. They're literally driving me crazy. I hate this. I want to cut that part of my brain out. I'd rather be stupid than go through this torture all the time.
How do you just stop?
I have no idea. I've been battling what's in my head for years now and the thoughts just won't go away. I can't live like this. I can't keep dwelling on the past, so how the hell do I get past it? How do I get it all out of my head?
Everyone says "Just get over it", "Just let go of the past"
Please tell me how.
Don't tell me to pray, I prayed it would all stop when it was happening it never did. Praying now is pointless. I don't believe in prayer. It's all just false platitudes anyway. My logical mind just can't see it. I want nothing to do with it.
I just want the intrusive, invasive thoughts to get out of my head. They're literally driving me crazy. I hate this. I want to cut that part of my brain out. I'd rather be stupid than go through this torture all the time.
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Mommie issues
My mother
You're supposed to love your mother, right?
Not me. I can't.
I hate her. I think I always have.
She left me when I was tiny. Just up and left, no looking back just gone.
I tried to like her. I tried to live with her 2 separate times. (because I had no choice of where to live)
After my grandmother died, mom and step dad suggested we come here to Michigan to live because there was nothing left for me in Pennsylvania; which was true. I was thrilled. I'd have a chance to get to know the other side of my family. I'd do anything to be useful and indispensable. Little did I know that they'd completely take advantage of my helpful and giving nature.
They all lived in one big house. Mom, step-dad, half sister: her husband and her three boys (all from different men and not the guy she was currently married. It didn't take to long for them to start treating me like garbage. I became the family driver. No matter what I was doing, no matter what time it was; unless I was working I had to drop whatever I was doing and drive them where ever they wanted. No matter what. I was even threatened with violence if I didn't comply or I was given the cold shoulder. Their disdain could cut the air like a knife.
So when I was no longer of use to them because I quit driving and didn't have money to "loan" them I became obsolete. I still had to call her every day or I'd get "the treatment" ignored, dismissed.... etc.
But my life became much more less anxious now that I was no longer dashing all over town doing their errands. It was a relief.
Then mom got cancer and sis got paranoid and stopped calling me and mom couldn't speak. I didn't feel obligated to call over there if that's the way I was being viewed, and I never looked back.
I didn't cry or grieve when she finally passed away. I really didn't care one way or another. Just a vague feeling of freedom and relief. It's been over a year and a half and I haven't heard one thing from anyone on mom's side of the family. Not one single word.
AND I DON'T CARE AT ALL.
You don't have to love or respect your parents if they don't deserve it.
You're supposed to love your mother, right?
Not me. I can't.
I hate her. I think I always have.
She left me when I was tiny. Just up and left, no looking back just gone.
I tried to like her. I tried to live with her 2 separate times. (because I had no choice of where to live)
After my grandmother died, mom and step dad suggested we come here to Michigan to live because there was nothing left for me in Pennsylvania; which was true. I was thrilled. I'd have a chance to get to know the other side of my family. I'd do anything to be useful and indispensable. Little did I know that they'd completely take advantage of my helpful and giving nature.
They all lived in one big house. Mom, step-dad, half sister: her husband and her three boys (all from different men and not the guy she was currently married. It didn't take to long for them to start treating me like garbage. I became the family driver. No matter what I was doing, no matter what time it was; unless I was working I had to drop whatever I was doing and drive them where ever they wanted. No matter what. I was even threatened with violence if I didn't comply or I was given the cold shoulder. Their disdain could cut the air like a knife.
So when I was no longer of use to them because I quit driving and didn't have money to "loan" them I became obsolete. I still had to call her every day or I'd get "the treatment" ignored, dismissed.... etc.
But my life became much more less anxious now that I was no longer dashing all over town doing their errands. It was a relief.
Then mom got cancer and sis got paranoid and stopped calling me and mom couldn't speak. I didn't feel obligated to call over there if that's the way I was being viewed, and I never looked back.
I didn't cry or grieve when she finally passed away. I really didn't care one way or another. Just a vague feeling of freedom and relief. It's been over a year and a half and I haven't heard one thing from anyone on mom's side of the family. Not one single word.
AND I DON'T CARE AT ALL.
You don't have to love or respect your parents if they don't deserve it.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Having a healthy family relationship
This isn't about that at all.
This is a complete guide to a discordant family, or how not to be a holier than thou christian.
My family.... how do I begin?
How do I describe how very much I hate them? (yes this is another family whine post, move a long if you don't want to read it)
I've always felt my birth was a fuck up from the get go. My parents got married for all the wrong reasons. Dad married mom because he felt sorry for her (being an orphan and all) and Mom married him because of his military benefits. Wrong wrong wrong.
After I was born in San Diego CA. Mom and I were shipped back east to live with Dad's family until his service was over. HAHA boy was that ever a mistake. Mom and the family got along like a mongoose and snakes. NOT VERY WELL AT ALL. They basically hated her because they had no idea who she was and she wasn't from their little universe of known people. They all pretty much married people who went to the same church or had similar interests. Go figure.
Mom was a wild card. No real background. Didn't know Dad for very long. Was a smart ass and cussed up a storm. In white bread christian world that's an absolute NO NO.
Everything was a no no to them. Dancing, drinking, cursing: even mildly. Everything that's wrong with you whether mental or physical can be cured with prayer and reading your bible. Not as extreme as the group that doesn't believe in doctors, but almost as bad. But especially mental issues could be prayed away. I know I got told that my depression could be cured by reading my bible. I don't think so.
I did not really have a happy childhood. Oh it was normal enough. I played outside, I read everything I could get my hands on, I rode my bike all over the place, climbed trees, skinned knees and elbows, But I never felt accepted or loved by this heavily christian family. I was a mere inconvenience
My mother just up and left on day to never return. Dad tom-catted around for awhile, then married a complete psycho bitch who tried to kill me several times..[pushed down a flight of stairs, strangled, hit about the head with a broom] She even shaved off my waist length hair because she could be bothered to comb it properly. She raised German shepherds and to this day I'm terrified of big dogs because she allowed them to growl and menace me. She even drugged me into a stupor a few times. Not a pleasant woman.
Another of Dad's lady friends also tried to kill me. I was sleeping over and woke up because I couldn't breath. She had placed the pillow over my head and tucked the sheets in tight over the pillow, trapping me underneath. I was inconvenient to everyone. Finally Dad just left me with his parents to raise. I was about 3 years old. I had even in that short amount of time been molested/raped. So I don't have a lot of pleasant memories of any of that. Thankfully those bashes to the head with the broom handle blanked out a lot of my mind. I use to have seizures while eating.... I'd be watching tv, eating my breakfast and just pass out into my bowl. I remember the really big things, like the stairs and the dogs and the shaved head and the beginning of the beating with the broom, but nothing afterwards, suddenly I was living with my grandparents and never saw dad until quite a few years later. I have a lot of issues now with phobias; heights, dogs, things coming at my head, fear of short hair, can't wear anything tight around my neck (thanks to strangling) Still at the age of 55 I have these horrible fears.
Now onto the family. I really think they resented the fact that my grandparents were forced to raise me, being my mother's daughter and all and I just had to be just like her (at 3 years old, yeah right) They never wanted to include me in things but because my grandparents went everywhere I had to go along. I was a burden to them. I was raised in the same church, believed the same things, sang the same songs, read the same bible, yet I was different then them and treated as such. I was never hugged or kissed by any of them. Now you might say that maybe they weren't the kind for public displays of affection, WRONG. They'd hug each other all the time, They'd hug missionaries that visited the church, they'd hug all comers. Just not me. I wasn't worthy of their affections. At family gatherings I was always alone reading in a corner or off somewhere else because no one would talk or play with me. I was left out of everything. Except when it came time to do the dishes from the big dinner. Now if one of my cousins had that job, several others would be in the kitchens helping, washing, drying, giggling, talking...... me I had to do them all by myself. No one offered to help or come chat with me. I was the drudge. I hated family gatherings. They'd all be playing board games with each other and I'd be alone reading or coloring. I wasn't allowed to play with their toys, unless they were playing with them, and even then it was grudgingly.
I just sucked it up and didn't say anything because no one would defend me anyway.
At one such gathering; one of my cousins pulled me aside and said..."We all had a meeting and we have no idea what to do with you if anything would happen to Gram and Pop-pop." I was 13 years old and they were basically saying they'd abandon me to the streets because none of these good christian families would even consider taking me in. NOT ONE.
Later on when my grandfather got too sick to be taken care of at home and was put into a home, they also wanted to put my vital grandmother in there with him. She got mad and and called me (i was living on my own at the time) and asked if I wanted to get a place together because she wasn't going to go into a home. I was in the process of moving and had to delay by one day, my aunt {jeanne} had to gather the rest of my stuff from my apt and I went to pick it up there.She didn't lend a hand at all, and when I asked for a glass of water I knew I'd get some form of lecture. What I got instead was a cold slap into reality of how they felt. "We love you, but......." she didn't finish it because she must have realized it crossed a line. How do you say you love someone then put conditions on it? You don't do that, especially to family members. How do you have that kind of nerve? Love is unconditional. You either do or you don't, there is no but.
I took care of my grandmother for just over 10 years. Near the end I was doing it all including picking up poop because her bowels started to give her problem. I did it all without complaint. I gave her dignity to the end. Yet anytime I needed a break or for what ever issue I had to beg one of her own children to take her for a weekend. Get that? I had to beg for time off .... from taking care of THEIR MOTHER.
The last time Gram stayed with {jeanne} Gram had one of her accidents and pooped on the floor. My aunt immediately stuck adult diapers on her. Saying she couldn't handle it. Weak excuse, I'd been handling it for several months. They just didn't want to be bothered taking care of their mom. So one went the adult diapers and there went Gram's dignity. A week later she died. I always felt it was because of the shame of the diapers. They took her dignity which I had been giving her for 10 whole years. She never would have lasted that long in a nursing home and I think that's what they wanted frankly. So they wouldn't be burdened. Loving christian family.
At the funeral meeting one of my other aunts {martha} had the nerve to say to me "Are you sure it wasn't something you did to cause it?" I mean WHAT????????
Then got a call from Jeanne later on "We trusted you to take care of our mother"
THEY WERE BASICALLY AND PRETTY BLATANTLY ACCUSING ME OF MURDER. Loving christian family.
What did I ever do to you? What made you hate me so? No I wasn't perfect but I did nothing to be treated like shit other than be born to the wrong person. And abandoned by my own parents to be raised in that kind of animosity.
I HATE THEM AND HATE ANYTHING TO DO WITH RELIGION. If they're the representative of what good christian people are like I never want anything to do with it. I really want nothing to do with religion at all. Thank you. Religion is only used as a weapon of pain and shame.
This is a complete guide to a discordant family, or how not to be a holier than thou christian.
My family.... how do I begin?
How do I describe how very much I hate them? (yes this is another family whine post, move a long if you don't want to read it)
I've always felt my birth was a fuck up from the get go. My parents got married for all the wrong reasons. Dad married mom because he felt sorry for her (being an orphan and all) and Mom married him because of his military benefits. Wrong wrong wrong.
After I was born in San Diego CA. Mom and I were shipped back east to live with Dad's family until his service was over. HAHA boy was that ever a mistake. Mom and the family got along like a mongoose and snakes. NOT VERY WELL AT ALL. They basically hated her because they had no idea who she was and she wasn't from their little universe of known people. They all pretty much married people who went to the same church or had similar interests. Go figure.
Mom was a wild card. No real background. Didn't know Dad for very long. Was a smart ass and cussed up a storm. In white bread christian world that's an absolute NO NO.
Everything was a no no to them. Dancing, drinking, cursing: even mildly. Everything that's wrong with you whether mental or physical can be cured with prayer and reading your bible. Not as extreme as the group that doesn't believe in doctors, but almost as bad. But especially mental issues could be prayed away. I know I got told that my depression could be cured by reading my bible. I don't think so.
I did not really have a happy childhood. Oh it was normal enough. I played outside, I read everything I could get my hands on, I rode my bike all over the place, climbed trees, skinned knees and elbows, But I never felt accepted or loved by this heavily christian family. I was a mere inconvenience
My mother just up and left on day to never return. Dad tom-catted around for awhile, then married a complete psycho bitch who tried to kill me several times..[pushed down a flight of stairs, strangled, hit about the head with a broom] She even shaved off my waist length hair because she could be bothered to comb it properly. She raised German shepherds and to this day I'm terrified of big dogs because she allowed them to growl and menace me. She even drugged me into a stupor a few times. Not a pleasant woman.
Another of Dad's lady friends also tried to kill me. I was sleeping over and woke up because I couldn't breath. She had placed the pillow over my head and tucked the sheets in tight over the pillow, trapping me underneath. I was inconvenient to everyone. Finally Dad just left me with his parents to raise. I was about 3 years old. I had even in that short amount of time been molested/raped. So I don't have a lot of pleasant memories of any of that. Thankfully those bashes to the head with the broom handle blanked out a lot of my mind. I use to have seizures while eating.... I'd be watching tv, eating my breakfast and just pass out into my bowl. I remember the really big things, like the stairs and the dogs and the shaved head and the beginning of the beating with the broom, but nothing afterwards, suddenly I was living with my grandparents and never saw dad until quite a few years later. I have a lot of issues now with phobias; heights, dogs, things coming at my head, fear of short hair, can't wear anything tight around my neck (thanks to strangling) Still at the age of 55 I have these horrible fears.
Now onto the family. I really think they resented the fact that my grandparents were forced to raise me, being my mother's daughter and all and I just had to be just like her (at 3 years old, yeah right) They never wanted to include me in things but because my grandparents went everywhere I had to go along. I was a burden to them. I was raised in the same church, believed the same things, sang the same songs, read the same bible, yet I was different then them and treated as such. I was never hugged or kissed by any of them. Now you might say that maybe they weren't the kind for public displays of affection, WRONG. They'd hug each other all the time, They'd hug missionaries that visited the church, they'd hug all comers. Just not me. I wasn't worthy of their affections. At family gatherings I was always alone reading in a corner or off somewhere else because no one would talk or play with me. I was left out of everything. Except when it came time to do the dishes from the big dinner. Now if one of my cousins had that job, several others would be in the kitchens helping, washing, drying, giggling, talking...... me I had to do them all by myself. No one offered to help or come chat with me. I was the drudge. I hated family gatherings. They'd all be playing board games with each other and I'd be alone reading or coloring. I wasn't allowed to play with their toys, unless they were playing with them, and even then it was grudgingly.
I just sucked it up and didn't say anything because no one would defend me anyway.
At one such gathering; one of my cousins pulled me aside and said..."We all had a meeting and we have no idea what to do with you if anything would happen to Gram and Pop-pop." I was 13 years old and they were basically saying they'd abandon me to the streets because none of these good christian families would even consider taking me in. NOT ONE.
Later on when my grandfather got too sick to be taken care of at home and was put into a home, they also wanted to put my vital grandmother in there with him. She got mad and and called me (i was living on my own at the time) and asked if I wanted to get a place together because she wasn't going to go into a home. I was in the process of moving and had to delay by one day, my aunt {jeanne} had to gather the rest of my stuff from my apt and I went to pick it up there.She didn't lend a hand at all, and when I asked for a glass of water I knew I'd get some form of lecture. What I got instead was a cold slap into reality of how they felt. "We love you, but......." she didn't finish it because she must have realized it crossed a line. How do you say you love someone then put conditions on it? You don't do that, especially to family members. How do you have that kind of nerve? Love is unconditional. You either do or you don't, there is no but.
I took care of my grandmother for just over 10 years. Near the end I was doing it all including picking up poop because her bowels started to give her problem. I did it all without complaint. I gave her dignity to the end. Yet anytime I needed a break or for what ever issue I had to beg one of her own children to take her for a weekend. Get that? I had to beg for time off .... from taking care of THEIR MOTHER.
The last time Gram stayed with {jeanne} Gram had one of her accidents and pooped on the floor. My aunt immediately stuck adult diapers on her. Saying she couldn't handle it. Weak excuse, I'd been handling it for several months. They just didn't want to be bothered taking care of their mom. So one went the adult diapers and there went Gram's dignity. A week later she died. I always felt it was because of the shame of the diapers. They took her dignity which I had been giving her for 10 whole years. She never would have lasted that long in a nursing home and I think that's what they wanted frankly. So they wouldn't be burdened. Loving christian family.
At the funeral meeting one of my other aunts {martha} had the nerve to say to me "Are you sure it wasn't something you did to cause it?" I mean WHAT????????
Then got a call from Jeanne later on "We trusted you to take care of our mother"
THEY WERE BASICALLY AND PRETTY BLATANTLY ACCUSING ME OF MURDER. Loving christian family.
What did I ever do to you? What made you hate me so? No I wasn't perfect but I did nothing to be treated like shit other than be born to the wrong person. And abandoned by my own parents to be raised in that kind of animosity.
I HATE THEM AND HATE ANYTHING TO DO WITH RELIGION. If they're the representative of what good christian people are like I never want anything to do with it. I really want nothing to do with religion at all. Thank you. Religion is only used as a weapon of pain and shame.
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Just a dream
I have some really funky dreams when I'm in pain or not feeling well.
I just woke up from a nap with the dream still on my brain which means to me it was going to be a whopper.
I've had the kind where my son has shook me awake saying I was screaming or moaning in a strange way. I can pinpoint where in the dream that, that happened.
Most of the screaming dreams are about my family that treated me so horribly. I do not have pleasant memories of my family.
This dream I was still taking care of my Grandmother and we were staying at my one aunt's house. (I hate this aunt most of all) As usual I'm doing all the work around the house plus taking care of Gran. Well one of the cousins was supposed to make dinner and didn't. Of course I got blamed. They made something for themselves and sat around the table eating and gossiping.
I overheard them talking about me, (for some reason I was building a doll house) They all began to laugh and say how I should give up that silly hobby. I stood up and went to confront them only I couldn't speak.
That actually use to happen too. When I needed to stand up for myself I'd be unable to say anything. I now know that it's part of my ASD/SPD. But then it was just embarrassing and they'd mock me for it. I always ended up just crying, and did so in this dream too.
I really hate these dreams. They remind me of how shitty my life growing up was.
It's no wonder that I'm as screwed up as I am.
It explains why I hate myself so much.
I just woke up from a nap with the dream still on my brain which means to me it was going to be a whopper.
I've had the kind where my son has shook me awake saying I was screaming or moaning in a strange way. I can pinpoint where in the dream that, that happened.
Most of the screaming dreams are about my family that treated me so horribly. I do not have pleasant memories of my family.
This dream I was still taking care of my Grandmother and we were staying at my one aunt's house. (I hate this aunt most of all) As usual I'm doing all the work around the house plus taking care of Gran. Well one of the cousins was supposed to make dinner and didn't. Of course I got blamed. They made something for themselves and sat around the table eating and gossiping.
I overheard them talking about me, (for some reason I was building a doll house) They all began to laugh and say how I should give up that silly hobby. I stood up and went to confront them only I couldn't speak.
That actually use to happen too. When I needed to stand up for myself I'd be unable to say anything. I now know that it's part of my ASD/SPD. But then it was just embarrassing and they'd mock me for it. I always ended up just crying, and did so in this dream too.
I really hate these dreams. They remind me of how shitty my life growing up was.
It's no wonder that I'm as screwed up as I am.
It explains why I hate myself so much.
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