Old

When did I get so freaking old???
1. When I was younger I was the one driving around with my music full blast in my car. Now I feel like the little old lady; standing on her porch, shaking cane in clenched fist yelling “Turn that fucking music down, asshole.”
2. I could generally eat what I wanted even though I gained weight. Now I can only eat select food and I still gain weight, and ill to my stomach.
3. Music didn't suck like most of today's music.
4. Things were simple, more innocent. Now there's almost no shame.
5. Things just cost a lot less; I'd kill for yesterday's prices today.
6. Other than the whole life long depression, I can now add cranky, creaky old lady with baggy skin and a spine that's literally tearing it's self apart.
7. I could drink and never get a hang over. Now I can't even take a sip because of all the stupid medications I'm on.
8. I had energy and could stay awake.  I could really drain some child for the energy level just like a vampire.
9. I was kinda gothy when I was in school.[didn't have a name for it then]: Now I'm an awesome elder goth... how cool is that.
10. Went to fun concerts and amusement parks when I was younger. Now I can barely leave the house without a panic attack.
11. I used to be hell on wheels; driving fast, even entering the ¼ mile race track [lost by half a car length]  Now I get crippling panic attacks that could have very well manifested into an attack in the middle of the highway causing all kind of trouble. I quit driving, one thing I used to love. It was freedom, a way to get away from what was going on in my life.
12. Dreams of moving somewhere exciting, Now worrying about having to move into a nursing facility.
Getting older sucks. Being old is the worst thing ever. There is a difference strangely.
My great-grandfather used to say; “It's okay to get older, just don't get old.”

And remember..... “Don't sweat the petty things; and don't pet the sweaty things”   “Of all the things I lost I miss my mind the most.” “It's all mind over matter: If you don't mind, it don't matter.”

Walls

Let's talk walls.

Walls can be a good thing. They keep the weather outside, They protect us from people who want to harm us, outside. 

Some times wall are even meant to keep invading armies from entering one country to another.

Walls have lots of uses.

Some are harmful 

Causing divisions between one country.  Some may not remember but there was great joy and celebration when the Berlin wall (pictured above) was finally torn down and both sides of Germany were reunited, ending decades of ill will against each other.

Now some people are talking about a wall between the USA and Mexico. 

I personally feel this is a bad thing. It's not going to keep any terrorist out.

Why don't we also build a wall between Canada

Oh I know..... No one is afraid that some friendly Canadian is going to invade our country. 

As to why I feel a wall between USA and Mexico is bad is.... We are a Free nation. 

If a wall is built as some would suggest that will be closing us off, we may as well build a wall to the north also.

Build a wall and infringe on the freedom of the USA and we can no longer be considered free.

We the cranky old farts salute you

Ya know I was just thinking of something.
While growing up we all had a car that we tricked out the stereo so we could play our music as loud as we could, and laughed at cranky old people who yelled at us to turn it down. We were the free ones, the peaceful ones, the violent ones.
I think I now understand why.

As we grow older we're less able to stand loud noises: some of us even have PTSD and can not handle any loud noise. Things get on our nerves more easily, things piss  us off more.

We are now the old people that yell "TURN THAT CRAP DOWN"

We want to live what's left of our lives in peace, but we have the next generation that are the loud music players, the partiers, the obnoxious laughers.

We've gotten older and more sensitive to everything around us

....... and one of these times, one of us is going to go out to the loud car in the intersection and PULL THAT GOD DAMN RADIO OUT OF THAT CAR.

can't you tell i'm calling for help.


but go ahead and leave me alone

I am so sick of living

ding dong the witch is dead

And just like that she's gone.   I'm not feeling anything right now but neutral.

Bitter relief

I just found out that my one aunt is dying. My dad is traveling from FL to PA for her last days.

I can't express how much I hate this woman. I'm glad she's dying. I hope she ends up in hell for the way she treated me my entire life.

This is not the same relief as when my mom died. No this is pure hatred. She made me feel like I didn't belong in the family, that I should just be in a ditch somewhere.

I've been waiting for this news for a long time.

I just can't do it.

People always say you have to love yourself.
I just can't.

I'm grossed out by the weight I am. I just want to take a sharp knife and cut all the fat off.
I hate that my blood pressure is so high., I hate that my cholesterol is so high, I hate that I'm in so much fucking pain all day, every day.
I hate how I look, I hate how I feel, I hate me, I really hate me.
So how the hell am I supposed to love myself. I'd be so much better off dead.

I can't love myself. There's nothing good about me at all.

No one can love me. Everyone just leaves.... or runs away.

Kill me now.