Call of the lost.

Some where I lost myself

and I don't know how to get home

Every day I've been having this feeling of loss. Like I've forgotten something. Or lost something that I just can't remember. I just have this hollow feeling inside and I don't know what to do to fill it. 

Life just doesn't seem to hold much interest, even being on the computer; which is usually one of my greater joys is failing to entertain and do much for me. 

I'm triggered by small things. I jump at strange sounds. I'm flinching when there's flashing commercials on. I've been sleeping A LOT. 

My doctor would say that it's my depression that making me feel so tired all the time, and I acknowledge that, but this is beyond even that. I feel like a part of me is missing. I feel a genuine loss of something.  I hunger for something and have no idea what to sate it with. 

I feel like everyone is avoiding me because I do nothing but complain and whine. I'm sick and I'm tired. Unless someone is dealing with chronic illness's there's no way that they'd understand what it's like to just not have a normal life.

That's what I want. A normal life. One where there's no pain. One where I'm not the shy, awkward outcast. 

I avoid strong emotions the best I can.  So I handle things differently. 

I was shocked and stunned by the latest celeb death due to depression, yet I can't morn it. I've lost my family due to them shutting me out. Yet I'm happy about it. My mom died in Dec and I'm thrilled she's finally gone. I don't have to walk on egg shells around her any more but my not going to the viewing has created a rift. I really don't care either. They're toxic people.  It's better to be rid of toxic influences.

I keep getting people telling me they'll pray for me or I should pray. I want nothing to do with prayer. I find it filled with falsities and unfulfillable  wishes. It's only for the person's comfort and that comfort is a false one. I don't desire falsehoods, I don't need to fall back on some make believe 'savior'  Man created god, not the other way around. Religion is used to control people's thoughts and desires. 

"Religion is the opiate of the masses" ~paraphrased from Karl Marx. Literally meaning that religion acts as a drug to the masses of people. I could be wrong and I usually am. I'm just tired of people shoving religion in my face. I was raised in the most fundamentalist of families. I could have a theological debate with most people and hold my own.  

I follow my own path yet I'm lost and have no idea what's wrong. I  just want to feel full again. I want to feel whole. I don't. I can't.  

Or is this just all part of my damaged brain? Is it because I'm so damaged that I can't feel fulfilled? Because I have so much brain fog that I simply can't remember what I'm suppose to be missing or that I actually am whole but I just don't know?  Perhaps I'm simply too tired to know what I want or need. I killed my own joy. I killed my own happiness by dwelling on all the negative? I try really hard to not to be negative. But it seems that's the way my brain is wired. I can't let go. 

I need to learn to let things go. I need to breath. I need to fly. I'm scared to try.