I'm an SPD Adult.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. There was a girl who wasn't good at anything. She was shy and awkward and never fit in anywhere. By the time she grew up and had a child of her own she felt she was the most worthless piece of trash in the pile.

Noises bothered her, no one understood. She spoke proper english all the time, and got taunted for the funny way she spoke. She didn't make friends easily. People would pretend to be friends only to turn around and play with her feelings or tease her behind her back.

The force was not strong with this one.

She often wondered why she never fit in. Why some things bothered her so much that she would break down in tears daily. She didn't understand the way things worked sometimes. She felt out of place and wrong. Born in the wrong era or time.

One day when she was old and decrepit she came across an article about a child with sensory processing disorder. Things suddenly clicked. Someone suggested she read the book "Too loud, too bright, too loud, too tight" by Sharon Heller PhD.  So she ran to the Amazon site and bought a used copy.

Once she started to read the world opened up. Suddenly her world made sense. She wasn't weird after all. She was wired wrong. It WASN'T her fault that she didn't fit. It had a name. And so did some other 'quirks' that she had.  They all had names. They all were real. There was some sort of balance in the force after all.

Misophonia,Phonophobia/Ligyrophobia, Irlen syndrome, Dyscalculia,  SPD. depersonalization and derealization disorders. Depression, Bi-polar, PTSD, Panic/anxiety, ASD (aspergers) ADHD. Most of these are recent realizations. I've suffered for years before with the depression, bi-polar, PTSD and panic/anxiety. All the others are not new symptoms but things about me that have actual names that I can give them.  I'm working with my psychologist on these little quirks of mine.

These sound like silly things to a 'normal' person but these are the things I struggle with on a daily basis. I'm not healed or cured by any means. It's a long hard journey. 

I now know why I was so uncomfortable around people, why sounds or brightness bothered me, why smells would make me sick, why some food tasted wrong or felt wrong.

I have a long way to go and I'm trying my damndest to be strong. I know I'm not, I'm weak and prone to times of massive self loathing and self doubt. Negative seems to be my default setting in my mind. I always see the negative in a situation. Like the rest that's going to take time.

I have cut out all the toxic people in my life. I did it for my own mental health. But I'm not brave and I sometimes wish I had them back just to have someone to talk to even knowing that all I would get from them is to be put down and tortured more, I don't need that. I'm better off without them.

I've found a wonderful group of people who have similar problems. That's helped too; knowing that I'm not alone.

I'm an SPD adult.