School, hell school
Was this really necessary?
Ah school the bane of my very existence.
First school is a wonderful place to learn and to socialize. I gained my first best friend who rode the same bus as me. We're still friends to this day. Irene was the same as me but stronger, things didn't seem to bother her too much.
It's also the worst place possible for those who are shy and easily intimated. Such as me. I was fine through kindergarten and pre-first... (that's a grade that was between K and 1st. for those who weren't ready to advance to first grade but were too advanced to be held back. I got the normal amount of teasing at first, and that was fine. But soon I became the target. Every mistake I made sent the others into peels of laughter. If I stuttered or stammered the teasing was relentless. Because of my weight I got all the course rude names added to my name. Animal noises were called out behind my back.
I was pushed, my clothing as pulled at, my hair yanked so hard I saw stars, tripped, dropped off the seesaw, shoved down the slides.
Things thrown at my head. Always picked last for games and gym. I ended up playing alone or making excuses to not go outside at all.
Then came middle school. OMG middle school. Those soul crushing years.
I know what you're saying. "Everyone goes through teasing at some point or another." Yeah that may be true, but I was extra sensitive. I couldn't process things properly.
Why was the milk stolen off my tray? Why did I have to sit far away from everyone? My purse was stolen, all my money was taken out and they just threw my purse in the middle of the lunch room floor. I had chairs pushed out from under me. One even went out of her way to put her feet on the back of my chair and push me forward, every class we were in.. More hair yanking, more clothes pulling and damage. more names and noises aimed in my direction. I still stammered when I spoke. Math and numbers were a mystery to me. (still are)
and then there was gym. Oh how I hated gym. (typical fat girl reaction?) Suddenly there were no towels left for me, My brand new gym shoes stolen right out of my locker to the gales of laughter. "Hey why don't you wear that long dress for dance class, it'll look great" Joke on me, it was a set up to be laughed at. I was easily fooled and tricked into thing.
I was naive to the max. Finally I just kept making excuses to skip gym. "my period just started," "i've got cramps really bad." "I hurt my leg the other day." I didn't care if I failed the class I didn't want to be there. The teasing and torment was relentless.
Being tripped down the stairs. Spraining my ankle and having NO ONE offer to carry my books to the annex while I was using crutches. Having the crutches kicked out from under me. Laughing as soon as I walked into one of the bathrooms.
The names, the names the names. GODDAMMIT THE NAMES. I did nothing to deserve this treatment except for being the odd fat girl who was so shy she couldn't talk or do anything right.
I did find a few favorite classes and one group that I belonged to. I was on the school newspaper and even got an award for it. Art class was great. Home Ec... dear lord how I loved Home Ec. the cooking, the baking, the feel of getting something accomplished *same with art* and one semester we swapped with the boys and we got to take shop class, working with wood and metal, plastics and making thing.... YES this I could understand. I liked some science and history. The day we were to dissect frogs I stayed home. And I discovered I didn't like american history but ancient Europe and middle east history were my favorites. It kind of went along with my love of fantasy and science fiction.
High School was basically more of the same. I focused on art, home ec and working in the school library. And I met my best friend. I was sitting in art class and the teacher looked out the door to check for stragglers. He let out a yelp and said "Oh god it's Haberle" and attempted to block the door from the inside. *doors opened out* She strolled into the class like it was her god given right and sat down across from me. It was instant like. We'd bounce ideas off each other, our likes and dislikes mirrored each other. And our families knew each other.
Sue was my saving grace for the remaining time she was in school. (she was a year ahead of me) She dragged me out of my shell. We'd drive like demons, smoked like stacks, cussed like sailors and developed something like an obsession for this one band that came out around that time.
We wrote silly fan stories, and drew fan art. And went to their first concert in the Philly area.
We fantasized about these guys non stop. Sue and I did nearly everything together. We were always at each's houses. Out cruising around the towns. Racing our cars. Going to the mall. Everything together.
And the she met Chris..... Soon they were hot and heavy and engaged.
I got to be the maid of honor at her first wedding. She looked lovely. I wasn't awfully fond of Chris, but he wasn't my choice so I let it pass. But the marriage changed everything between us. I had to share MY SUE with this guy. He was a druggie and a slacker. No where near good enough for her.
I don't even know how it happened, maybe it was from trying a Quaalude for the first time, but Sue and I spent a night together. It was glorious and not the first time I could admit I liked men and women both.
Of course I could never ever say anything to the family about that. Still didn't even now.
Then one day Chris flipped out and beat the shit out of her. I was livid. She and the son she had moved back to her parents. And that's where they stayed.
I moved back in with Gram in the meantime and had a son of my own. Then our home town burned down. "The great Perkasie fire" (google it) The same year Sue's mom died from a massive stroke. Her dad pretty much signed over the house to her, and she met a new guy. The married and stayed together for several years (i don't know what broke them up) Her dad went int a nursing facility.
For years we just talked occasionally on the phone. If I was in the area I'd drop in for a visit if she was home. Then gram died and I moved to Michigan where I still am.
Years passed as they do when you're growing older. One day in 2006 I decided to call her to see how she was doing. (it had been a few months since we spoke) I got the most devastating news I had ever gotten in my life.
She was gone. GONE. Aggressive leukemia took my Sue from me and I had no idea. Her son had forgotten to call me. (understandable given the circumstances) I was utterly inconsolable. I screamed and cried for days.
I think that's when I realized that I loved her.... not as just friends love one another but I was in love with her.
She was the first person who let me be me. She freed me from that cocoon that was wrapped around me, smothering me, suffocating me. I was free with her. She was the best part of me. And I lost her. I never even got to say goodbye, so it hit like a double slam.
I've never gotten over it. There's a huge gaping hole in my heart and soul that I just can't seem to fill.
TBC....
No comments:
Post a Comment