can't you tell i'm calling for help.


but go ahead and leave me alone

I am so sick of living

ding dong the witch is dead

And just like that she's gone.   I'm not feeling anything right now but neutral.

Bitter relief

I just found out that my one aunt is dying. My dad is traveling from FL to PA for her last days.

I can't express how much I hate this woman. I'm glad she's dying. I hope she ends up in hell for the way she treated me my entire life.

This is not the same relief as when my mom died. No this is pure hatred. She made me feel like I didn't belong in the family, that I should just be in a ditch somewhere.

I've been waiting for this news for a long time.

I just can't do it.

People always say you have to love yourself.
I just can't.

I'm grossed out by the weight I am. I just want to take a sharp knife and cut all the fat off.
I hate that my blood pressure is so high., I hate that my cholesterol is so high, I hate that I'm in so much fucking pain all day, every day.
I hate how I look, I hate how I feel, I hate me, I really hate me.
So how the hell am I supposed to love myself. I'd be so much better off dead.

I can't love myself. There's nothing good about me at all.

No one can love me. Everyone just leaves.... or runs away.

Kill me now.

Two years gone

So it's now two years since my mother passed.
Still not one tear has been shed.
We were never close and I always held onto some resentment that she abandoned me as a toddler. I have a lot of abandonment issues thanks to that. I have no real feelings pertaining to her passing.
I truly do not miss her. She was a horrible person.
Does that make me a horrible person?

Is the past really in the past?

How do you do it? How do you put all the crap that you were put through behind you? How do you get it out of your head? Keep it from your dreams? Every waking thought dwelling on the whys and where for's of your past.
How do you just stop?
I have no idea. I've been battling what's in my head for years now and the thoughts just won't go away. I can't live like this. I can't keep dwelling on the past, so how the hell do I get past it? How do I get it all out of my head?
Everyone says "Just get over it", "Just let go of the past"
Please tell me how.
Don't tell me to pray, I prayed it would all stop when it was happening it never did. Praying now is pointless. I don't believe in prayer. It's all just false platitudes anyway. My logical mind just can't see it. I want nothing to do with it.
I just want the intrusive, invasive thoughts to get out of my head. They're literally driving me crazy. I hate this.  I want to cut that part of my brain out. I'd rather be stupid than go through this torture all the time.